A secret. Once again.

I am in love. For perhaps the second time in my life.

I guess you could say it's a complicatedly beautiful mess. The woman I love just came away from an almost-four-year-relationship. But I have been in love with her even before her break-up. We were close.. oh, this sounds familiar, right? Yes, she was the one I was describing >here<.

Anyway, we became much, much closer afterwards; but at the same time, something seems to have changed. We had thoughts and things we left unspoken (at least that's how I see it), maybe that caused this distance between us. We never opened this up to each other (I tried to, but she said I was just over-analyzing); nevertheless, it's there: sometimes it felt too uncomfortable to be with and speak with each other. I really have no idea when this started, but there's one thing I am sure about: I never changed how tenderly I have treated her; I have always been caring for her - but now it looks like she's finding it.. unneeded, insignificant - I don't know, maybe it's just my rough gut.

Even so, there are still times that I feel like everything is worth it, that I should treasure this, that I should hold on to dearest feelings - frankly, she truly makes me happy. And I mean, happy. I don't know how she does it - offhand gestures, lingering glances, singsong voice - and that warm, warm smile - always. She heartens me to be a better man and I thank her for that. She supports me, in ways that I need to be supported roundabout - she handles me with earnest encouragement and often asks me to take good, careful care of myself. She gives me the time of day - even though I believe I really am not someone you should bother to give your time of day to. She lets me feel that she cares, that she understands; at least that's how I feel of it.

I haven't told her how I really feel about her - I guess you could consider it the cause for all those distance - but the reason behind that choice of mine isn't cowardice. I am not afraid of the consequences; if this was a normal, everyday situation, I would've told her right away. But she just came from a break-up. I don't want her to hear my I-love-you-so-much nonsense right now. She needs her time, to return to the goodness of life. It's not that I don't want to tell her because I expect something back when I do tell her, it's because I do not want to complicate her thoughts of what to do with my feelings if ever she knew. When the right time comes, I'll tell her how I feel. But just so she knows - no grand expectations on my part. Well, maybe a little (who wouldn't want a piece of happiness, right?) - but that's it.

But if it would feel like she's giving me a chance to prove myself, I'll gladly do whatever I can so as not to lose her. I'll be sure to make her feel like she's the most fortunate woman of her time. I'm still a man, aren't I. Though, that's still on the far future - and there's the possibility that that 'chance' might never come as well -, so..

To tell the truth, all I want for her is her happiness and nothing more. Yes, I love her - perhaps more than anything in the world and any woman in my life (family excluded) - and nothing could probably make me happier than to have her reciprocate, to give love in return; but more than that, I'd be the most I'm-fulfilled man alive if she'd be the happiest woman on earth - even if I would not be the reason behind and would not be a part of that happiness. That's all that matters. I just want her to be happy.

Of course, seeing her with another man could make me feel overwhelming, unbearable pain - I am a living breathing capable-of-feeling thing, after all - but if it could make her happy, then I'm fine with that. Because, in spite of everything, it's what I truly want for her.