This is one of those times that I need you the most. Please tell me everything will be okay. I am sure it will be; but I also want to know that you feel the same way.

And then, I would also feel things.

I sometimes feel scared, that I might lose you at any time; that maybe there's a possibility that when I move my eyes to look at somewhere else for a second and look back at you again, you'd be gone. I feel terrified with the thought of you slipping away when I let you go from the confines of my embrace. My mind often feels numb, when I think of you leaving me behind; and then my body would follow suit, and everything else will be in danger of breaking down, as well.

I sometimes feel jealous of the life you had before I came; more so, of the people who came before me. I feel continuous twinges of pain whenever I think of what you've shared with them, and how they've found some place in your being that I could never take place. I feel envious whenever I see you talk with them and share something which I have no idea about - it reminds me, always, that perhaps I am just this irrelevant, insignificant point that might have just been touching your surface, and that there have been other points before me who have reached deeper into you, and know you better than I do.

I sometimes feel resentful as to how other people seem to be more familiar with you than I am. I feel tormented when people think they could get close to you more than I do, and that they do not regard your boundaries as something important - the way that I do. It infuriates me to no end when people treat you as if they own you and that they could do and say anything inappropriate to you.

I sometimes feel apprehensive and anxious - that no matter how hard I would try, I would never see you as clearly as I wanted to. I worry that I might not be able to take care of you and be enough for you even if I wanted to, and that all of the fragmented faults that I carry with me would make you leave. It bothers me endlessly that maybe all I would do is hurt you - even if it was all unintended and would never be what I wanted - and that you would grow tired of everything and eventually move further and further away.


These shaded, dusky thoughts always haunt me and consume me up from the inside, and they would probably always be present on some level; but then, I would always recall that you mean everything to me, that there is no apparent reason to feel these, and that I would do anything to keep you - and that would be enough to keep these thoughts at a distanced, restrained corner of my self, so that you would never be entangled with and be burdened by it.

We always live in a hurry.

I let each day pass fleetingly. Maybe it's because I want these useless seconds to end so that I could go on with what I am actually supposed to be or to do - like getting a more profound job, traveling around the world freely without any hold-back and doubts, and falling intensely but sincerely in love with the woman I would indefinitely keep. When a moment or a day passes in which I do not get to experience these (finally), I see those as meaningless periods of time I carelessly spent that I could never get back. Considering everything, it is an unhappy thought.

Oftentimes we get this feeling that we are chasing something, right? We always think that the moment, the right now, is something that will just have to pass to give way to another moment, another right now, which we continuously assume would carry more meaning, or more weight, than what is actually happening. Either we tend to act in a way that would make us seemingly be able to fast forward the current, or lean towards waiting for whatever is next - whichever we pick, though, it would always end up exhausting us. We keep ourselves busy with trying to rush through everything, and with it a strange utter desire for something to.. happen.

It is one sad truth, and one unhappy thought. It is how people eventually lose their selves, their youth, their life, their stories; and the stories they have yet to tell.

Slow down.


The image.