After all this time, I still have problems with opening up.
Writing this again - I want to keep people close. I want to tell them how much they mean to me. I want them to know what I think, what I feel, how I see them. I want to show them the world, I want to share myself, I want to open up. I want to be able to, you know, just take someone in my arms all of sudden and give an embrace and whisper secrets I do not share with anybody else. I want to say more, I want to know more, I want to hear more.
Apparently, I can't. Or, for a better word, I struggle to. I'm not really sure how and when it started; but every time I try to remember the last time I have been really open, well - I can't recall. I'm not supposed to be this way - but I am. Even just writing about this with 'opening up' in mind, I'm finding it difficult to let it out. I promised myself I would always be completely honest when I write here; but even with that, I still doubt myself sometimes if I really am.
Whenever I use my mouth to talk, I frequently feel uncomfortable. I often feel that if I continue to talk on and on, I might say something ridiculous - or something mean, even if I never meant to. I might end up blurting out lies, or things I never intended to, or wordy sentences that would make me incomprehensible. I might spill out things I never expected to say. Worse, I'd make things up and convince myself to actually believe they are true.
I would've liked to ask people out more often. Friends, to accompany me to places found on tourists' handbooks. Certain souls, to let them know how much they mean to me. I don't know what's the matter but I tend to place weight on them more than I should. What if they're busy I don't want to disturb someone who's busy. I want to go to this place but I should respect their time and schedule. Would you come with me but maybe you don't want to. I would love to spend some time with you but I don't know if I'll be good enough for a company. Why can't I just, you know, jump off my unneeded thoughts and go?
I don't know - maybe because I automatically and almost always instinctively think that not sharing anything will guarantee me escape from things like baggage, or flashes of broken fragments of myself, or people going into places inside me that I wouldn't want them to come to. I've heard once that people who wear their hearts up their sleeve are the ones who continuously gets damaged the worst - maybe I just don't want to be one of those people. Again. Still, this never works for me. Even if I try to think about why I am like this, I (and I am really being honest here) genuinely am not sure of the reason. I could guess, but that's all I could do.
Despite that, don't worry. I am trying to be more open. Trying really hard.
Writing this again - I want to keep people close. I want to tell them how much they mean to me. I want them to know what I think, what I feel, how I see them. I want to show them the world, I want to share myself, I want to open up. I want to be able to, you know, just take someone in my arms all of sudden and give an embrace and whisper secrets I do not share with anybody else. I want to say more, I want to know more, I want to hear more.
Apparently, I can't. Or, for a better word, I struggle to. I'm not really sure how and when it started; but every time I try to remember the last time I have been really open, well - I can't recall. I'm not supposed to be this way - but I am. Even just writing about this with 'opening up' in mind, I'm finding it difficult to let it out. I promised myself I would always be completely honest when I write here; but even with that, I still doubt myself sometimes if I really am.
Whenever I use my mouth to talk, I frequently feel uncomfortable. I often feel that if I continue to talk on and on, I might say something ridiculous - or something mean, even if I never meant to. I might end up blurting out lies, or things I never intended to, or wordy sentences that would make me incomprehensible. I might spill out things I never expected to say. Worse, I'd make things up and convince myself to actually believe they are true.
I would've liked to ask people out more often. Friends, to accompany me to places found on tourists' handbooks. Certain souls, to let them know how much they mean to me. I don't know what's the matter but I tend to place weight on them more than I should. What if they're busy I don't want to disturb someone who's busy. I want to go to this place but I should respect their time and schedule. Would you come with me but maybe you don't want to. I would love to spend some time with you but I don't know if I'll be good enough for a company. Why can't I just, you know, jump off my unneeded thoughts and go?
I don't know - maybe because I automatically and almost always instinctively think that not sharing anything will guarantee me escape from things like baggage, or flashes of broken fragments of myself, or people going into places inside me that I wouldn't want them to come to. I've heard once that people who wear their hearts up their sleeve are the ones who continuously gets damaged the worst - maybe I just don't want to be one of those people. Again. Still, this never works for me. Even if I try to think about why I am like this, I (and I am really being honest here) genuinely am not sure of the reason. I could guess, but that's all I could do.
Despite that, don't worry. I am trying to be more open. Trying really hard.
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