There are two women in my life right now that I feel very attached to and I do not relish it.


***

The first one is someone you already know. I have talked about her in the past here.

Our first date was in that American-Italian restaurant, and it was a night to remember. We talked a lot, about ourselves and what happened to us for the past five or six years - the amount of time we haven't seen each other. The feeling was incredible, like an old loved book found again; although, like I said before, I wasn't quite sure yet as to how I felt about her. I thought the night would provide answers, but I guess one night together wouldn't be enough, right?

Ever since that first date, we have gone out quite a few times again (all of which I remember in intricate detail). I didn't think she would have wanted to go out with me again, but she then invited me to go explore Makati's variety of food. The second date's plans failed spectacularly - it rained hard the day we decided to meet again - therefore, we just ate at my office's premises and we walked around my workplace, talking and quivering oddly from the cold weather. Though, still, I didn't get any answers, which was frustrating.

The third time we went out, I was the one who invited her. We watched the third installment of the Before Sunrise series, Before Midnight. I guess it wasn't the kind of movie you'd watch if you weren't in an 'official' couple, but we did see it anyway (we were both lovers of the Before movies, especially Before Sunset). We didn't talk much that night, since it was kind of late and we were drowning in movie afterthoughts. The same scenario went when we met for the fourth time, to watch a movie entitled Sana Dati. Conversations weren't as deep and probing as our first and second encounter, although she did give me a wooden cup from Cebu which made me peculiarly happy.

Our most recent adventure was in a Book Fair. We tired ourselves out walking back and forth cascades of books, buying some, and giving us less time to talk. It's not that I didn't like the pleasure of seeking nameless but priceless books (I love books, as a matter of fact), but I would've liked it more if we spent the evening somewhere tranquil and talked the night away. Dinner didn't provide that luxury as well, since we were both exhausted.


***

The second one: somewhere in between those, the second girl came.

She is from the office. I first met her when she was recruited for our project, along with a few others. It wasn't attraction at first sight; although she did remind me of how the first girl I truly loved looked like.

Over time, we eventually talked. It was awkward at first, since I do not know her completely and therefore had no idea what her quirks are, but we had some time and I got to know her more.

We have been talking, nonstop, for some time now. I guess this is what I like about her. I can talk to her about virtually anything. We first connected over our overbearing boss, and then when that stranger barrier was out, we didn't stop. We played games in the office, completely content in our quiet companionship. We played music; she sang, I sang - all the while smiling like complete morons. We discussed Harry Potter and she didn't even flinch at the topic - she even brightened up. I tell her about my everyday worries, from work, and she'd listen to all of it. We would often share random stuff and not even once did I find her boring me away.

She bids me goodnight and wakes me up with a pleasant good morning - almost everyday. She brightens up my mood whenever I feel stressed out in the office. She was there throughout the whole time I was sick. She would tell me everything will be fine. She shows genuine concern for me even though considering the overall time we had knowing each other, we were still strangers by definition.

I guess we aren't anymore. I feel very close to her as if I had known her for years. Although we still hadn't pried on each others' past (intimate feelings and such), we're now two different souls with an exceptional connection. And - I have to let this out here again - she reminds me of the first woman I have ever truly loved. The one I had to let go out of unselfish reasons I cannot avoid. Then, I got a stabbing pain in my insides when she told me that she'd be leaving our project in a few weeks and I'm not sure why. It's likely because I consider her to be a part of me already.


***

This is unpleasant. I feel like I'm betraying the first woman, the woman I have invested feelings for for a long time. Still, until now, I am not sure of how I feel about her. If I could honestly describe it, it's like I'm seeking something beyond - something more, and I'm not certain if I could find it in her, with her. The problem I think is - I knew then in the past how to differentiate friendship and amorous love, but when the friendship in question is a decade long, I guess I would still be at a loss. Also, the fact that we talk just once a week (literally, and it is over the phone) - and without the deepness of the conversations I had once used to have with her - doesn't help with all the uncertainty.

As for the second woman, yes - what we have is something special and something that is rare to find, a walking mirror of your self; but, the truth is, it is too fast and too early to be definite about anything. Given that we'd have more time, maybe we could find out more - but what about the first woman? She has the foundation, and I know her more than I do the second one. Then again, when I think of losing the possibility of discovering something really precious with the second woman, it bothers me to depths I am not supposed to dive into.


I thought I was over this? It's at these moments when I loathe my self for having no concrete answers. Am I being a coward once again? Why am I like this?